ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.