Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.