I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants