u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”