The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit