13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs