I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.