My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.