Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”