When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*