murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
You Might Also Like
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!