So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
You Might Also Like
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.