i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
