“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.