The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.