Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.