Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.