Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
