Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.