Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My kitchen overserved me.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.