My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
🌲😼
