Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.