i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.