LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…