Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want