She called me ugly
I called her an ambulance
It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go
The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
15 out of 12 beers agree I can’t do math when I’m drunk.
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!