@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@numbertze

When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go

@UGotMeRight

The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!