Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.