When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.


Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.


I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull


How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.