Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.