all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
You Might Also Like
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.