Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”