I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.