I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.