There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.