sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me