Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.