Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.