Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!