Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet