Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”