Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.