I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.