Put my back out twerking in the library again
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.