-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day