My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem