I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.