My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.