16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want