I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.