Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.