If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.